so.

(so.)

the narrative.

to be anger

bound

to be

unsettled

home

to feel

conditionally free

to live

(maybe)

to want.

(wanted)

and to stay wanting.

- the black narrative.

(even in 2015)

resurrection.

some nights

i catch myself

breathing

which often leads to elementary questions 

like 

who put this air into my lungs 

turned me into this brazen beast of breath

theres magic going on 

in our chests 

a magic so 

unrelenting 

unresting

yet at times 

i still forget to breathe

unselfishly

but wholly

how we forget

this forgetting

so easy to slip into

so comfortable 

this second skin to turn into a home

this air

this breath 

is not ours alone. 

(each time

we resurrect.)

- resurrection.

you.

you. 

infant understanding.

baby steps. 

wide eyed.

lullaby.

woke up to a silver spoon in your  mouth.

abstract surrounds 

give form to your voice

cradling each coo.

a cradle to each tear.

lies.

formless. unfamiliar. foreign.

Picasso things.

unpunctuated questions

unpunctuated sentence

questions in every sentence

every sentence a question

who was the first man on the moon ?

is God black ?

is God black ?

peanut brittle.

as these gluten-ised nuts now

crackle under the pressure of my full mouth of man teeth,

something 

creeps into the deep

reaches slightly into my memory heap

settles.

there in second grade

you see my teacher had coaxed me, unbeknown to herself,

(maybe the little Dexter in me too)

into the heart of our kitchen.

there I am hauling out my favourite grubby old saucepan

sprinkling into it the sugary curiosity of a mere 8 years of breath

and then neglecting it, 

hastily, just like I had come

expectant.

I ran out of the kitchen to go do something

I cannot tell you now as I cannot even recall

probably going to nurse my impatience with something that would not have me wait so long

going to be the amateur that I was

(wet eyes and wet tongue meet the Sahara)

child,

and as it would go I nearly burnt down our house

I can laugh at it this now

how time makes a fool of age.

the forgiven./ weapons of mass destruction

just as you would have it 

that I remember you as the forgivable.

when your name was charleston. 

tearing down church walls. 

I will think of you, 

lightly.

oh, the darkness that is I.

white.

They

All seem prettier, brighter,

softer, newer, better…

Apart together,

together apart

We the coy,

the ugly

keeping to ourselves

New

but old

Unused

but stale

“ Mushroom ” territory

Dying to experience,

to be bewildered and engulfed by our being.

Only ever useful when pushed aside,

crumpled,

wasted,

misused,

abused,

disposed of…

We are never deserving

Never worthy of any existence

Even when it is being confined in four corners of dark and immobility

Never worthy enough of any sweet, 

nothing

that comes our way

Wrapped in words that that could build castles that slight winds could crumble

And if we ever do believe we’d only be as foolish as the fool that those words did mumble

Only Chance and Fate are obligated to us

Delusions. 

Our sterile grandeur deems us weak,

where we believe we are strong

Seething through transparently,

Apparently never seen,

or heard

All we’ll ever be is white wax crayon,

Rejected,

Wishing we could bleed a new colour onto the page. 

en-lighten-ment.

may your light shine the brightest.

always.

feels.

I feel so much these days.

So many things.

Certainty. Doubt. Like. Melancholy.

Each.

A few seconds.

Clock is ticking.

Late.

Excitement. 

Confusion.

Of grey clouds in the sky.

Lurking.

Sick To my stomach. Purple or green. Both actually.

Always rainbow though,

Throughout.

Sometimes calm.

Courageous. Here and there.

Politics. Pathetic too. Thanks to bad hair days and badder fashion ones. Thandile ­Babalwa Sunduza. Out - of the (banana’s) yellow.

But,
never love.
Well, not the kind that makes the hair on the back of your neck stand, anyway.

However,

there’s peace in my heart.

And patience. For days.

Enduring. What pain ?

Expectant.

Every now and then.

Free. God bless Uganda.

Thankful. Because, I am alive.

Breathing.

Still.

Blinking.

Feeling. Constantly feeling.

present.

the air 

still filling your lungs

the trees

standing tall 

as they bow before you.

when all of everything 

in its glory and its splendour

are here for you,

how can you not ?

-  the extant being.

we.

we are not alone.

us.

blackness.

some may try to cut us down, 

but this beauty prevails.

this beauty is immortal. 

- the beauty of blackness.

.

lost and found.

i feel you.

i.

feel.

you.

- my lost and found.

peace is power.

and we never misplaced

nor forgot the peace.

our constant companion,

in the summers we nursed it with the rays of the golden sun,

never fraying

in the cold winters.

it stayed in place 

propped beneath,

between our lungs.

still.

-          - peace was our power.

and where are our girls ?

and where are our girls ?

276 hopes
held captive.

276 dreams

crushed by merciless loins.

276 souls
we cannot get back

by the exchange of mere coins

are our girls back ? 

missing.

a year later,
the answer is in the silence.

africa.

puny little things,

missing from ourselves.

apart. 

fickle,

we are missing from each other.

separated.

- there is power in unity. 

XXI.

and here I am,

with my bags of hope, my seething sack of lessons and my bursting basket of feels.

all of my seasons of becoming have brought me,

to this here point of no return nor refunds.

at this time and at this place,

with this beauty of a black skin twenty-one years thick,

eyes but a twenty-one year wonder,

a gleaming twenty-one year smile,

every inch and ounce of me nothing short of a precious stone.

these bones,

none here to be picked, it must be known

have been carving this twenty-one year old man out of me.


dear God, dear Universe, dear stars, dear trees, dear sky, dear people, dear everything.... 

i am here.

- xxi

seasons of becoming.

evolutions.

everything is within a fluctuationg season

unravelling,

revolutions

of the self.

-    becoming. 

salutations.

greet you at the front door

and see you out.